get well soon, its pretty fucked up, but I guess when you’re happy again you would feel a lot different

In terms of other people – what are other people? They’re a collection of facts, surely – some pleasing and some not pleasing. That’s the reason that we choose one person over another: Facts. We read people by their pasts and presents, we don’t just say ‘Well, I’m sure whatever they are in completely different from what they were yesterday.’

That’s inappropriate thinking, and if we did it, the human race would have died out centuries ago. ‘Well, that animal attacked us yesterday, but lets forgive it completely.’

GULP.

i think actions say a lot about a person. It’s the only thing we really have to go by isn’t it?

I was talking to a proper Christian, he said that everyone should be forgiven. But I really do not agree because if I go on a shooting rampage killing 100 people and then drops my gun and say ‘hey, i have truly changed, I have stopped the killing’ would I expect to go to heaven? No fucking way.

You only need to kill one person at a time, it is enough.

I guess my childhood is similar, and although some people say it is wrong blaming it, it does set the foundation for the rest of our lives. I think only people that do not have a easy childhood can say ‘it is lame to blame your childhood’ because they have never experienced it themselves.

I guess I went through childhood listening to my parents too much. They are very institutionalised. The type that says ‘you better study’ without actually giving a fuck what I am studying, all they care about is how it looks on them, to other people. Comparing their own kids to others, saying ‘what good grades they have, how tidy they look, etc, etc’. always putting other people before their own kids.

And when you ask them now ‘why did you use to do this, do that, why did you always call me names, cuss me down, hit me with a stick?’, they would say ’shut the fuck up, stop lying and stop blaming us etc etc’. The fact that they blatantly did those things, and now denying it after all these years. It really fucks me off.

Did they ever give a fuck? I don’t really know. Sure they did not starve us to death, beat us to death etc, but that merely means we existed.

I used to think listening to my parents would help me go a long way, but now I realise that it is the exact opposite. They know fuck all about life, they are so full of their own fucking shit, it is unbelievable.

Fuck all the childhood memories, fuck all the psychological angles, fuck all our inner selfs insecurities etc…….. got to show the world, and ourselves, we are afraid of fuck all, and whoever gives us grief, well three words to those motherfuckers, just bring it.

I guess my childhood is similar, and although some people say it is wrong blaming it, it does set the foundation for the rest of our lives. I think only people that do not have a easy childhood can say ‘it is lame to blame your childhood’ because they have never experienced it themselves.

I guess I went through childhood listening to my parents too much. They are very institutionalised. The type that says ‘you better study’ without actually giving a fuck what I am studying, all they care about is how it looks on them, to other people. Comparing their own kids to others, saying ‘what good grades they have, how tidy they look, etc, etc’. always putting other people before their own kids.

And when you ask them now ‘why did you use to do this, do that, why did you always call me names, cuss me down, hit me with a stick?’, they would say ’shut the fuck up, stop lying and stop blaming us etc etc’. The fact that they blatantly did those things, and now denying it after all these years. It really fucks me off.

Did they ever give a fuck? I don’t really know. Sure they did not starve us to death, beat us to death etc, but that merely means we existed.

I used to think listening to my parents would help me go a long way, but now I realise that it is the exact opposite. They know fuck all about life, they are so full of their own fucking shit, it is unbelievable.

Fuck all the childhood memories, fuck all the psychological angles, fuck all our inner selfs insecurities etc…….. got to show the world, and ourselves, we are afraid of fuck all, and whoever gives us grief, well three words to those motherfuckers, just bring it.

It has been a tragic year and although it is past, we shall never forget.

There are some stupid motherfucking things in the past where we say ‘we will never forget’, but that was just some teenage shit and if I have to go back to that now, and it was on fire, I would not even contemplate shitting or pissing it it.

But this year is very bad.

However, we should be grateful that we are alive. I mean some people are born into the world handicapped right from the word go, they could never even have a dream, let alone working towards one.

Maybe this creates the necessary counter-point of ‘why don’t I just write everything down?’ and I guess the reason that I don’t is because I can’t write down my life truthfully, I don’t know if anyone can. There’ll be so many attempts to justify myself, that probably won’t work anyway – because in reading things we can never get thing across as we feel we want them.

What I mean by the ‘button’ image, is a way of people knowing things as absolute truth, objectively – almost like putting yourself before god, if you believe such romantic dreams.

I love things like this – becuase there’s no way that I could have done it without actually doing it. Like filming someone getting punched in the face – you know if it’s real. You feel so much more, you react more at least, from things like that, I think. It’s what I go for.

Anyway – most drunk I’ve ever been. Said some very embarressing things to people over msn in an attempt to be honest and woke up feeling amazingly recharged. When I woke up, I remeber my first thought of the morning being ‘Wow, I should do that more often!’